When Life gives you Lemons
by KaseyJae
Summary: How Dr. McKay really came to his new job with the Russians. One-shot, Episode Tag to S05xE14, 48 Hours


_**When Life gives you Lemons...**_

 _By KaseyJae_

 _ **Summary** : How Dr. McKay really came to his new job with the Russians. One-shot  
_

 _ **Genre** : Humor/Romance/Friendship  
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 _ **Pairing** : Sam/Jack  
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 _ **Setting** : Episode Tag to S05xE14, 48 Hours  
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 _ **Rating** : K+  
_

 _ **Author's notes** : This idea popped into my head when recently rewatching the episode. I really like the episode and I could still laugh myself silly at the interaction between McKay and Carter, the way he riles her up. McKay's character is just so funny. **  
**_

 _As always, any feedback is welcome!_

 _ **Disclaimer** : All publicly recognizable characters, places and settings belong to their rightful owners: Stargate Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Productions. Any resemblances to people, events, stories or locations are purely coincidental. This work is simply for entertainment purposes and no copyright infringement is intended. Also, no money is made out of this. However, this story, any original characters, the settings and situations are property of the author and not to be copied or distributed without permission._

 _ **When Life gives you Lemons...**_

Jack had just arrived at Cheyenne Mountain, hurrying back after having retrieved the necessary information for Teal'c's rescue and having somehow lost Maybourne once again (seriously, for a man so obnoxiously annoying the guy surely could slip away right under your nose) when his cell phone rang. Putting his truck into gear, he exited and fished for the vibrating item in the pockets of his pants. The Colonel shot a quick glance at the caller ID while sauntering over to the first security checkpoint. _Of course_ , he thought while looking down at the familiar name flashing from his phone's display.

"Space-monkey," he answered the phone while simultaneously holding out his Air Force ID to the Airman at the security frontier post, who just had seen him about a hundred times strolling in and out of the mountain. But well, protocol was protocol.

Jack was surprised however when Daniel didn't even complain about the much-hated nickname he'd given him. Not even bothering with a simple 'hello' or something along those lines, Daniel launched into a hurried explanation of what had happened in Russia. And while the Air-Force-drilled part of his brain listened attentively to the briefing and filed the important details away for later use, Jack couldn't help but wonder _why_ exactly Daniel was telling _him_ all of this.

"Danny-boy, not that I don't like listening to your voice delivering another one of those looong, drawn-out, one-sided conversations, but… why're you telling _me_?" Jack interrupted impatiently when Daniel was about to lose himself in a heated complaint about the stubbornness of certain American and Russian negotiators.

There was stunned silence on the other end of the line and Jack used the time to sign in. Stepping through the last security checkpoint the Colonel headed for the elevators on autopilot, even able to find his way around the base in his sleep.

" _Um, I actually thought this would be obvious…_ " Daniel pointed out while Jack waited for the elevator to arrive. Jack grunted and resisted the urge to imagine strangling Daniel through the phone line. If it was obvious, he wouldn't have asked, would he?

" _I clearly told you so at least one of you was properly informed,_ " Daniel told him.

"Hammond?" Jack pointed out the more logical choice before continuing: "And don't tell me you haven't talked about it with Carter!"

The elevator arrived and Jack stuck his foot in to hold it on his level. But he couldn't enter it yet, because the moment he would descend he would lose the connection with his cell and while he was seriously tempted to just hang up on Daniel, the archaeologist might still have valuable information for him.

Daniel sighed. " _General Hammond was occupied with Simmons from the NID, he didn't have much time for me. I gave him the run-down, but no specifics yet. And as for Sam… well, she seemed to have… much at her hands, so she knows the basics but the rest I decided to spare her with_."

Oh, Carter got lucky, Jack mused. How come it never worked when he pretended to be busy? He'd have to ask her how she did it.

"Alright," Jack conceded. "So do I now know everything you deem worthy of our attention here?"

" _Yeah, yeah,_ " Daniel confirmed, knowing that Jack was about to just end their conversation. " _Ah, Major Davis said he'd contact the base later with the latest news. And when you see Sam, tell her, she… she should just hang in there._ "

Jack almost coughed in surprise. What was _that_ about? What the hell was wrong with Carter?

Jack opened his mouth to question his friend when the monotonous ringtone in the line told him that Daniel had already hung up. Great, just when you needed the man to talk for once! Grumbling heatedly under his breath, Jack stomped into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest level with more force than necessary. The whole ride down, passing another security checkpoint where he had to sign in to descend with the second elevator down into the heart of Cheyenne Mountain, Jack felt a strange mixture of dread, anxiety and uncertainty dance through his stomach. Surely if there'd been anything serious going on that concerned his 2IC, he'd heard of it, wouldn't he? So she had to be fine, wouldn't she?

Still, Daniel's mysterious hints had left his head running away with the worst case scenarios, because in their line of work literally everything was possible. Really, when the archaeologist came back from Russia, Jack swore to wring the man's neck if Carter was fine and he'd worried over nothing.

The elevator finally halted on the desired level and Jack stormed towards the locker rooms with a sour expression on his face that made several bypassing officers rethink their intention of greeting him. He didn't care. He was in a hurry.

He was already out of his leather jacket before he'd stepped into the locker room. Opening his locker, he threw it in without bothering to hang it neatly, quickly followed by his plain shirt. While he unbuttoned his jeans, he simultaneously pulled one of his standard black t-shirts over his head, managing to get it around his dog tags with only one hand. Jack used his feet to free himself of his shoes and kicked them unceremoniously into the locker, piling his jeans on top of them only seconds later. He took the time to lace his boots, after having donned his BDU pants, but then he stormed from the room, buttoning up the pants and his BDU shirt on his way back to the elevator.

When he finally arrived at his destination, the control room, a bit of his anxiety had worn off. Whatever it had been Daniel had been hinting on, he'd find out now. Jack always felt better when he had a certain course of action he could follow, and he was pretty sure he'd get it here.

"Walter," he called out when he saw the faithful technician monitoring the Stargate controls. The Chief Master Sergeant glanced back and solemnly nodded towards the briefing room. Jack, already half-way over to the man, nodded back in appreciation and instantly turned on his heels to jog up the stairs.

Arriving at the top of the stairs, Jack took a moment to glance around. The door to General Hammond's office was closed and through the window, Jack could see the older man on the phone. The briefing room itself was empty, aside from a very familiar figure that stood in the middle of the briefing room, opposite of another man Jack didn't know, talking with him noiselessly. _Carter_.

With his usual, confident strides he strolled over towards her, his eyes wandering over his 2IC, who, to his utter relief, looked as well and healthy as she'd done when he'd left. Thank goodness. And Danny was so in for it.

Jack glanced at the guy standing with Carter. He distinctly remembered having seen him before his department, but he had no idea who the guy was. From the lack of military clothing however he assumed him to be another scientist.

But Jack didn't so much as spare the guy another glance. His whole attention was focused on his 2IC. Carter stood firmly with her back pointed towards him, which left him with a rather admirable view of her fabulous six in her green BDUs. Her arms were crossed over her chest clad in a black t-shirt, her BDU shirt draped neglected over an edge of the briefing room table, next to a stack of folders undoubtedly for the upcoming briefing.

And while Jack took a millisecond to marvel in her sight, he quickly zoomed in on several little signs that were oddly off with her. She seemed tense. Her back was ramrod straight and her whole torso was so stiff he couldn't even see her breathe. The muscles in her leg were tensed up and if he was correct, she seemed to be pressing her feet against the ground beneath her as if to stop herself from tapping them incessantly. Her arms were pressed together so tightly he was slightly amazed she wasn't cutting off her own supply of air with the way they pushed against her chest.

In all the years they'd served together, Jack was sure he'd never seen this particular stance on her. He'd seen her in practically every goddamn state of mind known to mankind, but this was certainly new. He couldn't see her face, but from the way she was carrying herself he assumed she was pissed beyond words. Not only infuriated, but close to exploding nastily and messily. Jack had seen her angry before, but this kind of fury on her was unfamiliar. Sam normally exuded an almost infinite patience, most of all with him, but of course she could get angry as well. Although normally not to such an extent.

Quietly Jack wandered over to her. Her upset state immediately called out to him and he felt the need to help her in some way. If he was honest Jack was wary of approaching her in this certain state, because he sure as hell didn't want that mood directed on himself, but from what Jack could read out of the interaction between Sam and the unknown man, he was more than sure that he was safe. He had no idea what the poor guy had done, but Sam seemed to be one last, frail effort away from coming down on the guy with all the power her military training and her extensive physics knowledge gave her.

Jack stepped up to them and casually leaned his elbow on her shoulder, his forearm dangling down in front of her upper arm. God, she wasn't just tense, she was so rigid underneath his arm that her posture didn't give a tiny inch, even when he dropped a bit of his weight on her to test her state.

"Carter," he greeted her nonchalantly, just as he always did.

She turned her head towards him and he looked into blazing, stormy blue eyes that shone heatedly out of her hard face with the tightly clenched jaw. Phew, talk about anger here. But at his sight, she eased up slightly, surprise taking over.

"Sir," she answered, sounding a tad breathless.

Then, all the professional she always was, Sam turned back and introduced, almost icily: "Sir, this is Dr. McKay, Area 51's specialist on the Stargate. McKay, this is Colonel Jack O'Neill, my Commanding Officer."

Jack looked at the man, who nodded back with a discernibly disinterested expression on his face. His whole attention was still focused on Sam. Without acknowledging Jack's presence in any way, the man turned back to Sam, opening his mouth to continue the discussion they seemed to be having. Immediately Sam tensed up even further beside him. Mildly astonished, Jack kept out of it, holding back and observing, especially Sam.

"I'm still of the opinion–" the guy named McKay began, only for Sam to cut in ruthlessly.

"McKay, I _know_. And I don't care the least. I'll only stop when General Hammond orders me to," she stated in a matter-of-fact-way she only adopted when she was dead-set on something. It was a tone Jack was strangely comforted by, because it normally meant she could get them out of the cosmic catastrophe they had landed in.

"But Sam, you'll have to see that…!"

Jack lost the rest of the sentence. Raising an eyebrow– what neither of them acknowledged anyway, because neither noticed him – Jack definitely was surprised. McKay seemed to be addressing Carter by her first name, even though she kept calling him by his surname. Had Sam allowed him to do that or was he just overstepping without caring? Jack felt strangely annoyed by it. He had no problem with Daniel and half of the base calling Sam by her given name, but some male stranger the NID had pushed on them, expert on the Stargate or not? No way if she didn't want him to and he had any say in that matter!

"McKay, this whole discussion is pointless!" Sam sighed exasperated. "I will not give up on Teal'c until there is nothing I can do anymore! And as long as there is, I will continue working on bringing him back!"

Jack felt suddenly immensely proud of her. This was the way _his_ 2IC had to fight. Head-on and with conviction as long as there was hope.

McKay sighed. "You don't want to understand, do you?" he accused, sounding as if he was talking to a person gone crazy. "I don't know how many times I have to say this: there is nothing left of Teal'c! I'm sorry, Major, that you've lost a comrade, but for a supposedly smart scientist you're dead-set on ignoring the logical consequences of what has happened to your friend! You have no chance of bringing anything of him back!"

Jack was stunned, no, more something along the lines of flabbergasted. He didn't know what was shocking him more: McKay stating that there was nothing they could do for Teal'c anymore, or McKay insulting Carter in an implying way. Feeling Sam tense up once again Jack knew she had also picked up on the concealed insult, but the lack of reaction on her face told him something even worse: she wasn't surprised. So McKay hadn't done it for the first time. Jack wanted to growl at the other man for his audacity. _Nobody_ insulted Carter, and even less when he was in hearing distance!

"I guess we'll never agree on that one, Doctor," Sam said calmly. "And rest assured I _will_ bring back Teal'c. With or without your help, and even with your meddling!"

Jack felt himself ease up at her confident statement. Huh, he hadn't even noticed himself tense to McKay's declaration, but apparently his 2IC had picked up on it and felt the need to reassure him. He was sure she had said it more to him than the scientist, who was disagreeing with her anyways.

Still, there was something she'd said… "Meddling?" he inquired quietly, inserting himself into the conversation for the first time.

Sam snorted irately. "McKay's… _suggestions_ were the reason for the 48 hours deadline we have," she clarified for him.

Jack's eyes narrowed and he turned his heated gaze on the other man. "Is that so?" he inquired, trying to squash down on the urge to go over and smack the man, preferably hard.

McKay nodded convinced, obviously not noticing that he was maneuvering himself into dangerous waters where the Colonel was concerned. "It was the only logical recommendation I could have made," he explained.

Jack's left hand that hung limply at his side clenched into a tight fist and he stuffed it in his pants pocket, out of sight. "Well, if Carter says she can get it done, then she will. You probably deprived her of the one thing she needed: time," he accused, his voice still all friendly.

McKay waved him off in such an arrogant manner that Jack was hard pressed to hold on to his patience. The scientist had a tendency to get on his nerves rather fast.

"No offense, Colonel, but you have no idea what you're talking about," McKay stated so haughtily that Sam glanced at him warily to gauge his reaction. "It's nice of you to have faith in her, seeing that you have to work with her, but as one of lesser intelligence you won't know that she can't do it. Major Carter's computer system ignores about half of all the signals a DHD would decipher. Her simple, underdeveloped and crudely built interface cannot adapt efficiently enough to the Stargate to restore an event horizon to an already disengaged wormhole that can't be reestablish anymore because the other, matching Stargate has been disabled or destroyed."

Jack didn't even pretend to understand what McKay was getting at. The Colonel even had the suspicion the scientist was making it purposefully complicated. But Jack caught the gist of what the man was saying. Set aside that he was insulting him now, too (Jack didn't really care for such things. For all he cared people who had a problem with him could as well go to hell) he was seriously annoyed at the fact that McKay dared to criticize and defame Carter's work. Without Sam, Jack was sure they wouldn't be as successful with the Stargate Program as they were. She had practically built half the devices, computer systems and programs they needed for the SGC to run so smoothly. Hell, without her, they would still have to order new glasses and mugs about every other week and broadcast earthquake warnings for Colorado Springs because of the Stargate's violent vibrations!

Jack shifted his weight on the other leg, but that was as far as he allowed himself to react visibly. "As far as I'm informed the Stargate and the DHD are still alien technology, built out of material that doesn't even exist here on Earth, right? So I think it's a pretty genius effort to be able to hook up a mere computer system to such a complex device as the Stargate and make it run efficiently," Jack stated mildly. "As far as I am concerned, I'd like to see someone other than Carter try to do it and get even a quarter of the signals emitted through the wormholes decoded correctly."

The moment he ended his little speech he felt all gazes turn to him for the first time since he'd entered the briefing room. McKay looked surprised as if he hadn't expected something so elaborate come out of the mouth of an Air Force Colonel. And then there was _Sam_. She beamed at him with one of her radiating smiles, her tension lessening for the first time in this conversation. If he had to guess, Jack would've said she was glad he'd come to her defense and mildly surprised that he had not only listened to her early scientific ramblings but even remembered some of them.

"Well, it's correct that we actually don't have the means here on Earth to generate the kind of crystal technology the Stargate uses…" McKay conceded, but Jack so wasn't about to listen to a technobabble lecture that was not coming from Carter!

"My point is, Carter's the resident expert on the Stargate. She knows how it works, how all the systems work. So if she says she can get Teal'c back to us, I'm inclined to believe _her_ ," he snapped into McKay's speech.

" _Expert_ or not…" McKay contradicted, stressing the word 'expert' in a way Jack didn't like at all. "She can't perform a small wonder like what we would need for Teal'c to rematerialize–"

Jack smiled predatorily. "She can. With the DHD Daniel needled out of the Russians and the information I have here, she definitely can," he stated sweetly, holding up a video tape.

Again Sam turned to him, eyes wide and stunned. "Is that the information from the Goa'uld on how we can rescue Teal'c?" she inquired, sounding impressed.

Jack nodded while McKay mumbled: "Huh. So the Russians will really lend us their DHD? Who would've thought…"

Jack shrugged noncommittal. In all honesty, he had been pretty sure it would end up like that. Daniel could be quite persistent when he wanted to be, and Jack had to know. Being his direct superior, Jack was normally the one Daniel had to get to agree if he wanted something to go his way, and consequently the one Daniel hunted down with a great deal of determination. If _he_ had no possibility of sitting discussions with Daniel out successfully after having worked together with the archaeologist for years, then the Russians had no chance at all.

Sam's eyes glistened with relief and determination. Jack could see that now she was sure she could get Teal'c back to them and he guessed that McKay's words had hit home somewhere, as much as she had tried to be unaffected by them. Sam had a way to second-guess herself, a part of her still insecure of herself, and Jack hated that the guy had mercilessly explored that weakness, even if it may have been involuntarily or unintentionally.

"Then we should finally have everything to get Teal'c back…" Sam mumbled gratefully. Then she surged forwards, grabbing the folders lying on the table and effectively slipping out under his arm. "I'll have to go look through the video, see if there's anything we still need and maybe run a few simulations before the briefing!"

Jack smiled indulgently. _This_ was the Carter he knew.

McKay sighed. "Well then I guess I'll go with you," he announced generously.

Jack raised an eyebrow when Sam asked: "Feeling the need to check on my results?"

McKay nodded as if it was the right thing to do now. "Someone with the appropriate knowledge has to see to it. You could overlook something vital."

By now Jack really had to tamp down on the overwhelming need to kick the man for being so downright disrespectful to Sam. Sam passed Jack, shooting him a grateful grin, before heading for the stairs, McKay trailing behind her.

"You know, as long as the Goa'uld is speaking English I should be able to understand him just fine," Sam muttered to McKay under her breath. "Even for a _dumb blonde_."

She had been speaking quietly but it was still loud enough for Jack to hear. His mouth dropped open, his shock only surpassed when McKay amended: "A _hot_ , dumb blonde!"

Jack literally saw red. He was seriously glad that a coincidence in timing made McKay walk away from him right about now, because this was the final straw that made Jack lose control. He about had it that McKay dared to call Carter dumb, which was an audacious insult in itself, but that he still had the nerve to lust after her openly?

The man had not only tried to condemn Teal'c to death, but he had also dressed down Carter repeatedly and come onto her inappropriately! No, Jack felt nothing but disgust for Doctor McKay at this moment. And combined with the worry for his friend who was stuck in an alien machine in a burst of particles, Jack felt his patience drain rapidly.

He waited until Sam's voice disappeared with McKay's in the control room before Jack walked over to the wall of the briefing room, grabbing the standard phone that hung in every room. Quickly he dialed a number so familiar that it was etched in his memory. He listened to the ringtone three times until he could hear his voice.

" _Daniel Jackson?_ " the archaeologist reported.

"Danny-boy, it's Jack," he answered and before Daniel even managed to ask what Jack was calling him for when they had just talked not an hour ago, Jack cut in: "Major Davis with you? Good. Get him on the line."

Jack waited while his friend followed his wish, grumbling under his breath.

"Major Davis," Jack acknowledged the younger man the moment he came on the phone. "This is Colonel O'Neill. Daniel told me the Russians are going to lend us their DHD…?"

Major Davis sighed exhausted into the line. " _Under protest and with horrendous amends, but yes, they are,_ " he confirmed.

"Ah, that's exactly the point," Jack stated. "I was wondering what they were expecting in return?"

Another sigh from the Major and Jack imagined him rubbing his temples tiredly. " _They want a large sum of money, a Russian team on the SGC and all information on alien technology we've inquired over the years,_ " the Major listed.

Jack was tempted to whistle lowly. The Russians were really milking their emergency for what it was worth. "Really? I see…" he said. "But we certainly can't just give them all this sensible information, can we?"

" _No, we can't,_ " Davis agreed dryly. " _We have to oversee what they're getting and how they'll be using the information we give them._ "

"Definitely," Jack nodded in agreement although Davis couldn't see it. Then, almost innocently, he asked: "Do you have already chosen a suitable candidate for being in charge of that?"

Davis huffed. " _When should I have done that, Colonel?_ " he replied. " _I will have the_ pleasure _to go through Area 51's list of personnel to see who has enough clearance and would be fit for such a position first thing I get back to the US._ "

Jack almost rubbed his hands in glee at the reluctant tone David was adapting. "Oh, if you don't mind me butting in, I may have a suggestion for you," he declared by the way.

" _Colonel, I'd be glad for any help that relieves me of hours of having to comb through personnel files,_ " Davis stated, sounding quite interested.

"Well, there's this scientist here at the SGC right now, who would just be _perfect_ for this task…" Jack began, smiling evilly to no one in particular. He continued to explain to Davis why he thought of this choice and when he hung up a minute later, he had the feeling McKay would soon have to learn a new language.

Whistling satisfied, Jack meandered over to General Hammond's office, getting motioned in immediately the moment the General spotted him through the window. Jack figured he at least had to give the General a heads-up about his rather forceful approach. But damn it! Nobody messed with his team, with the security of his men, and more importantly, with the feelings of his 2IC!


End file.
